February 2012
11 posts
Heading to Denver this week!
I’ll be doing shows at the Denver Improv February 23-26. Come one, come all. I worked at a summer camp outside of Denver the summer of 2003. Every white kid who goes to private school on the East coast has to have at least one summer where they go out west to find themselves. I found a lot of alcohol and about 10 pounds but it was worth it. I’m looking forward to stand-up...
Ball so hard, indeed.
Is “that shit cray” going to be the anthem of 2012? It’s literally in the head of everyone I know. None of us can stop saying it! What you you done, Kanye?
Also, thanks for everyone’s support on the Oprah front. Indeed, I did call her on that validation joke. To think, I lost sleep over that.
“No. He asked if I wanted some and I said not necessary as he treats me like his...”
– my mother, in response to me asking whether my father bought her flowers for Valentine’s Day. Love exists, gals.
Rich people.
Obama is in town tonight for a fundraiser. It’s being hosted by the executive producer of the “Bold and the Beautiful” and Will Farrell is one of the emcees. The Grammy award winning Foo Fighters are also on the bill. According to NPR, the tickets were starting at $36,000 PER PERSON. So that means somewhere in Los Angeles today, two people are having the following discussion:
...
OPRAH'S GETTING A TASTE OF HER OWN MEDICINE.... →
I bought fancy shampoo again in an attempt to improve the quality of my life (the more expensive your beauty products are, the more you have it together, duh) and the name is disturbing:
“Poo,” in this instance, is referring to sulfates, which supposedly “strip your hair of all its natural nutrients,” whatever the F that means. I jokingly asked the woman at the beauty...
How are we expected to just "know" these things?
Me: When did stamps go up to 45 cents?
USPS employee: Two weeks ago.
Me: Isn’t there some sort of memo that can go out?
USPS employee: [blank stare]
Me: Well, is there a grace period? I mailed my car payment last week with a 44 cent stamp.
USPS employee: Nope.
Me: So do they send it back if there isn’t enough postage?
USPS employee: Nope. Sometimes the receipient has to pay the...
'Tis a sad, sad day.
The Arrowhead Water guy who delivers our fresh water and takes the empty bottles just stopped in for his bi-monthly delivery. Then he abruptly announced it’s his last day on this route and we’ll have a new guy next time. He could see I was upset but assured me, “Javier we’ll take real good care of you, ma’am.” It’s always a sad day when a delivery guy...
An answer for: have you seen any celebrities...
Yesterday I saw Lindsay Lohan outside a liquor store, smoking a cigarette and hugging herself like she was freezing (it was a cool 70 degrees). It was by far my favorite celebrity sighting in LA since moving here in 2005. Her hair was bleach blond but her abundant freckles revealed the true redhead we all grew up knowing and loving on [the awful remake of] “The Parent Trap.” You best...
January 2012
15 posts
Here is a view outside my hotel window in...
IE more evidence I need a real camera or an iPhone but you get the idea…charming, picturesque, they put me on a high floor in a room with a view because I’m VIP, etc.
Direct flight + no time change = the best
I am heading to Portland, Oregon to do stand-up at Helium Comedy Club. I can’t wait to see this Emerald City of the Northwest. I hear wonderful things about the Pinot Noir, local brews and people on bikes. And hippies. Lots and lots of hippies. Per my usual, I’d promise to take pictures but I don’t own a camera or document my life other than the grainy Blackberry photos I post on...
Just browsed one of the last Barnes & Noble...
…obviously the Kindle and Internet (AKA, “the devil,” according to my mother) are to blame for the demise of paper books but maybe they wouldn’t be dying at such a rapid rate if so many of the people who claim to be “authors” weren’t getting book deals. I’m talking to you, Kendra, Kris Kardashian and this chick:
I purposely wanted her name to be...
Every little bit counts.
When I declined a bag for my to-go order today, the employee at Koo Koo Roo thanked me for “saving the Earth.” Then I left, with my PLASTIC take-out container full of FACTORY FARM RAISED chicken. It feels great to be green, y’all.
Remember when I updated this thing 5 days a week?
Me neither. I am the worst. I feel like I’m really letting down my 4 regular readers. If you must know, I do have an excuse. As part of my many attempts to somehow get ahead in the rat race that is “making it LA” (IE getting paid to create, not make coffee), I am now taking a sitcom writing class which is zapping a lot of my writing energy. So the blog is taking a back seat. You...
I was killing time at the Target by the airport (which feels like a 3rd world country, by the way) waiting to pick up a friend and stumbled upon an item I’ve been on the lookout for, for quite some time:
Bring on the humming birds, y’all. I have a giant patio but the last time I tried to use a bird feeder, rats and squirrels crashed the party because the doves (IE the trashy people...
Love is in the air, y'all.
I think my dry cleaner has a new beau. She’s been wearings lots of leopard print lately and is even sporting heels! Good for her. She’s the nicest dry cleaner I’ve met in LA and even remembers her repeat customers ‘names. Imagine that, sassy broad at the Paragon Cleaners at Fountain and Vine, my FORMER cleaners.
What. Ever. She'll be the new Jenny Craig... →
I want a pet.
But I’m gone for hours and hours at a time and live in a small place so a dog is out of the question. Cats are so low-maintenance and, unlike many, I adore felines but I am deathly allergic. Guinea pigs are rodents; fish are boring; birds are gross and a reptile screams, “I have no friends.” SO a solution has been found. I will be purchasing a teacup pig…unless I can adopt...
December 2011
13 posts
You're starting to look desperate, Netflix.
I’m not coming back. Just move on and don’t make this any more awkward than it needs to be. And yes, you have become that creepy ex all my friends are worried is unhealthily obsessed with me. You’re a corporation focused on nothing but entertainment which is all people really care about so, I’m sure you’ll be just fine. Okay, I’ve GOT to go now. Goodbye, for...
A diet tip from me to you.
I ordered a burger and fries at the club last night and only ate half the food on the plate! Want to know my secret? I dined in the dark! The waiter asked if he could light the candle at my table and I was all, “hell no, I need a challenge.” It’s really easy to eat until you’re satiated (say what?! I know, it’s unheard of for me too) when you can’t see the food!...
Uh oh, hometown press coverage for Comics Come... →
Santa/Jesus would be disappointed in me.
This statement is not in the Christmas spirit but they are playing Zooey Deschanel (+friend)’s Christmas album in Starbuck’s and it sounds like dying cats. Can I counter this mean statement by saying I’m fine with her acting? I am. Oh and she’s very pretty. See there, I’m nice! Her song in the cotton commercial is actually 10 times worse than the holiday music so I...
I'm stuck in an airport hotel so these are the...
Buffets are a ridiculous concept. If you are trying to maintain a not massive body weight, you have to force yourself to eat a normal portion size as if you were ordering a meal but doing so feels like you’re wasting your money. I tried to order oatmeal, eggs and berries a la carte but was told if I’m ordering all that, I might as well get the buffet, it’s cheaper. Really? So...
Recent happenings.
I’ve neglected the blog this week but I was back in LA for a whopping 3 days after Des Moines and had to get my affairs together in preparation for a month on the road. Here is the latest with yours truly:
I’m in Kansas City performing at the Improv all weekend! Kansas City, Missouri, not Kansas. Apparently, there is a rivalry of sorts. And by “rivalry,” I mean, KC,...
Midwest dive bars don't play.
Last night I got kicked out of a bar in Des Moines because I didn’t have my ID. I insisted I wouldn’t drink alcohol but she said since it was after 9, if the cops came, they’d be in BIG TROUBLE. It was probably the first and last time I will ever beg anyone to closely examine my crows feet in order to prove my age.
Look! A recipe for depression!
I’m sorry, I meant to say, “Look! It’s the view outside my hotel room in Urbandale, IA!”
November 2011
17 posts
IOWA OR BUST.
Today I’m headed to Des Moines, Iowa to perform at the Funny Bone all week! I’m excited to go to a new place. I hear Iowans are a lovely bunch. Here’s hoping for some rich, white people in the crowd since that’s my demographic. Please inform any Des Moines dwellers you might know.
I am a horrible decorator.
My parents were just in town and my mother often feels the need to jab at my piss poor interior design skills. When I first moved in, I bought a bunch of cheap 4x6 frames and sloppily hung pictures over my sofa. In my head, it was going to look really cool, not to mention showcase my undeniable popularity. I was told it looked crappy and I needed a piece of art up there instead. I decide trendy...
“Would you like a picture of the trap our neighbor has created between our two...”
– my mother AKA this blog’s Editor-at-Large
This is thrilling news. →
Should I call someone gang? Society is in danger.
This morning I saw yet another UPS driver texting while operating his giant truck on the freeway. Really? Do you think that’s wise? I don’t judge people who drive a standard-sized vehicle and want to send a quick text at a stoplight every now and then but I’d consider one of those UPS delivery trucks “heavy machinery.” Those dudes (or lady delivery persons) should not...
Climbing the Celebrity Lookalike Ladder
Last night, the headliner of the show I was hosting kept jokingly referring to me as “you redhead, Little Debbie-lookin’ bitch.” Don’t worry, it was bitch in like the loving, black people slang way, not in the you are an actual bitch way. Please, I’m sweet as pie. Anyways, because I am me, I immediately googled images of Little Debbie (you have to search,...
Query
Does anyone know where I might find individuals discussing the elusive iPhone? You know, topics ranging from its “apps” to when the latest version is coming out and how it allows people to finally function in society since it now provides a virtual assistant, etc? Seriously, did society really exist until now? Surely not. I’m at a loss for mundane details such as the number of...