December 2011
13 posts
You're starting to look desperate, Netflix.
I’m not coming back. Just move on and don’t make this any more awkward than it needs to be. And yes, you have become that creepy ex all my friends are worried is unhealthily obsessed with me. You’re a corporation focused on nothing but entertainment which is all people really care about so, I’m sure you’ll be just fine. Okay, I’ve GOT to go now. Goodbye, for...
A diet tip from me to you.
I ordered a burger and fries at the club last night and only ate half the food on the plate! Want to know my secret? I dined in the dark! The waiter asked if he could light the candle at my table and I was all, “hell no, I need a challenge.” It’s really easy to eat until you’re satiated (say what?! I know, it’s unheard of for me too) when you can’t see the food!...
Uh oh, hometown press coverage for Comics Come... →
Santa/Jesus would be disappointed in me.
This statement is not in the Christmas spirit but they are playing Zooey Deschanel (+friend)’s Christmas album in Starbuck’s and it sounds like dying cats. Can I counter this mean statement by saying I’m fine with her acting? I am. Oh and she’s very pretty. See there, I’m nice! Her song in the cotton commercial is actually 10 times worse than the holiday music so I...
I'm stuck in an airport hotel so these are the...
Buffets are a ridiculous concept. If you are trying to maintain a not massive body weight, you have to force yourself to eat a normal portion size as if you were ordering a meal but doing so feels like you’re wasting your money. I tried to order oatmeal, eggs and berries a la carte but was told if I’m ordering all that, I might as well get the buffet, it’s cheaper. Really? So...
Recent happenings.
I’ve neglected the blog this week but I was back in LA for a whopping 3 days after Des Moines and had to get my affairs together in preparation for a month on the road. Here is the latest with yours truly:
I’m in Kansas City performing at the Improv all weekend! Kansas City, Missouri, not Kansas. Apparently, there is a rivalry of sorts. And by “rivalry,” I mean, KC,...
Midwest dive bars don't play.
Last night I got kicked out of a bar in Des Moines because I didn’t have my ID. I insisted I wouldn’t drink alcohol but she said since it was after 9, if the cops came, they’d be in BIG TROUBLE. It was probably the first and last time I will ever beg anyone to closely examine my crows feet in order to prove my age.
Look! A recipe for depression!
I’m sorry, I meant to say, “Look! It’s the view outside my hotel room in Urbandale, IA!”