Upper-Middle Class Angst

I’VE CROSSED OVER, GANG. I just purchased an iPhone and a...

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 13:38:51 -0800

I’VE CROSSED OVER, GANG. I just purchased an iPhone and a MacBook Air. Aladdin’s “A Whole New World” is on a loop in my brain. I’m downloadin’ apps like a crazy woman. I feel like I’ve joined the 21st century. With all this excitement, I feel kinda bad for the ole’ Dell and Blackberry. If I were them, I’d be all like, “What the F, bitch? We work just fine! You’re just gonna toss us out like yesterday’s trash?” Don’t worry, guys! You’re my backup plan in case I hate these new, hip Apple gadgets (yeah, right). That giant Apple desktop behind me was just the beginning. I was scared too spend so much money but decided I would ultimately piss away said funds on clothes and going out to eat/drink so at least this would be a career investment. And I will look way cooler when I write in coffee shops along the other LA- wannabes.

Heading to Denver this week!

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 09:38:00 -0800

I’ll be doing shows at the Denver Improv February 23-26. Come one, come all. I worked at a summer camp outside of Denver the summer of 2003. Every white kid who goes to private school on the East coast has to have at least one summer where they go out west to find themselves. I found a lot of alcohol and about 10 pounds but it was worth it. I’m looking forward to stand-up comic’ing for the people of Denver.

http://www.improv.com/ComedyClub/Denver

Ball so hard, indeed.

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:09:06 -0800

Is “that shit cray” going to be the anthem of 2012? It’s literally in the head of everyone I know. None of us can stop saying it! What you you done, Kanye?

Also, thanks for everyone’s support on the Oprah front. Indeed, I did call her on that validation joke. To think, I lost sleep over that.

"No. He asked if I wanted some and I said not necessary as he treats me like his Valentine 365 days a..."

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:31:33 -0800

““No. He asked if I wanted some and I said not necessary as he treats me like his Valentine 365 days a year!””

- my mother, in response to me asking whether my father bought her flowers for Valentine’s Day. Love exists, gals.

Rich people.

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:11:04 -0800

Obama is in town tonight for a fundraiser. It’s being hosted by the executive producer of the “Bold and the Beautiful” and Will Farrell is one of the emcees. The Grammy award winning Foo Fighters are also on the bill. According to NPR, the tickets were starting at $36,000 PER PERSON. So that means somewhere in Los Angeles today, two people are having the following discussion:

“What’s the plan for tonight? Am I driving or are you?”

“I’ll drive. You bought the tickets. I can’t wait to see the prez in person! How much do I owe you?”

“Oh, it was $36,000. I can get it from you whenever though, I know where you live, ha!”

They better leave early. Traffic is a bitch on Obama days.

Trucks not carrying food are the worst. PS I hope the chick...

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 16:53:48 -0800

Trucks not carrying food are the worst. PS I hope the chick manning this thing (ironic, no?) has a boyfriend so she’s not suicidal when she gets home tonight. Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours, or just you.

OPRAH'S GETTING A TASTE OF HER OWN MEDICINE. (REMEMBER THAT TIME I "TEASED" HER ABOUT WANTING VALIDATION VIA TWITTER?)

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 15:45:50 -0800

OPRAH'S GETTING A TASTE OF HER OWN MEDICINE. (REMEMBER THAT TIME I "TEASED" HER ABOUT WANTING VALIDATION VIA TWITTER?)

I bought fancy shampoo again in an attempt to improve the quality of my life (the more expensive...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:11:02 -0800

I bought fancy shampoo again in an attempt to improve the quality of my life (the more expensive your beauty products are, the more you have it together, duh) and the name is disturbing:

“Poo,” in this instance, is referring to sulfates, which supposedly “strip your hair of all its natural nutrients,” whatever the F that means. I jokingly asked the woman at the beauty store if she thought that was a very wise marketing strategy and she had no opinion. I think my comedic observation shtick actually got on her DAMN nerves. I’m all, “Who’s gonna buy something with the word, ‘poo’ on the front, am I right?!?!” and she’s all, “Um, yeah, the women who come in here with curly hair seem to like it. Do you want it or not?” So I bought it. My curls are no more or less lustrous. Duped again. And $40 poorer.

How are we expected to just "know" these things?

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:53:49 -0800

Me: When did stamps go up to 45 cents?

USPS employee: Two weeks ago.

Me: Isn’t there some sort of memo that can go out?

USPS employee: [blank stare]

Me: Well, is there a grace period? I mailed my car payment last week with a 44 cent stamp.

USPS employee: Nope.

Me: So do they send it back if there isn’t enough postage?

USPS employee: Nope. Sometimes the receipient has to pay the rest.

Me: How does that work?

USPS employee: Who knows.

Me: Thanks. You’ve been a huge help.

'Tis a sad, sad day.

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:45:07 -0800

The Arrowhead Water guy who delivers our fresh water and takes the empty bottles just stopped in for his bi-monthly delivery. Then he abruptly announced it’s his last day on this route and we’ll have a new guy next time. He could see I was upset but assured me, “Javier we’ll take real good care of you, ma’am.” It’s always a sad day when a delivery guy you’re attached to decides to jump ship. It’s also a sad day when you realize people who don’t know your name have started to use the term “ma’am” when addressing you. I always offered him snacks and in exchange he brought us free Perrier. Of course it’s going to be hard getting used to someone new but sometimes people are meant to come into your life, make an impact then bolt - for another truck route. I guess we’ll always have the common bond of over-priced water with traces of plastic and other toxins.

An answer for: have you seen any celebrities lately?

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:03:47 -0800

Yesterday I saw Lindsay Lohan outside a liquor store, smoking a cigarette and hugging herself like she was freezing (it was a cool 70 degrees). It was by far my favorite celebrity sighting in LA since moving here in 2005. Her hair was bleach blond but her abundant freckles revealed the true redhead we all grew up knowing and loving on [the awful remake of] “The Parent Trap.” You best believe I thought about asking if she’d pose for a pic with me but she seemed distraught, rambling on to her less attractive friend. MISSED CONNECTION indeed.

Portland is my new fave town. Here’s me with the AMAZING...

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:41:13 -0800

Portland is my new fave town. Here’s me with the AMAZING headliner from this past weekend, Greg Fitzsimmons, taking a break from our lovely bike ride across the river. Our hotel had complimentary bikes and they didn’t make you wear a helmet (impossible to look cool)! The crowds were fantastic as were the micro-brews. My gut is evidence. Apparently it rains all the time but not while we were there. Everyone’s real fit, too. The bartender where I ate lunch one day told me he ran to work! Don’t you need to shower when you get here, I asked? “Nah, it’s only 6 or 7 miles.” Then I finished chugging the house IPA and took a bite of pizza.

Here is a view outside my hotel window in Portland.

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 09:16:51 -0800

IE more evidence I need a real camera or an iPhone but you get the idea…charming, picturesque, they put me on a high floor in a room with a view because I’m VIP, etc.

Ohhhh, I get it. There’s a deeper meaning, right, Crowne...

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:41:23 -0800

Ohhhh, I get it. There’s a deeper meaning, right, Crowne Plaza? The Crowne Plaza key card opens the door to your room but the Crowne Plaza brand opens the door to diversity…or at least careers for minority print models.

Direct flight + no time change = the best

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:30:06 -0800

I am heading to Portland, Oregon to do stand-up at Helium Comedy Club. I can’t wait to see this Emerald City of the Northwest. I hear wonderful things about the Pinot Noir, local brews and people on bikes. And hippies. Lots and lots of hippies. Per my usual, I’d promise to take pictures but I don’t own a camera or document my life other than the grainy Blackberry photos I post on this here blog. Here is one I found online for your viewing pleasure. Just picture my redhead amidst these city lights:

Just browsed one of the last Barnes & Noble...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 17:13:06 -0800

…obviously the Kindle and Internet (AKA, “the devil,” according to my mother) are to blame for the demise of paper books but maybe they wouldn’t be dying at such a rapid rate if so many of the people who claim to be “authors” weren’t getting book deals. I’m talking to you, Kendra, Kris Kardashian and this chick:

I purposely wanted her name to be cut off. No, that’s not true. I’m just horrible at taking pictures. Anyways, if “Justify My Thug” becomes a classic literary piece and required reading for all AP English 11th graders, I will be the first to admit fault.

PS The picture was taken at an earlier date, whilst browsing the book selection at Target, hence the corporate logo sticker we’ve all come to know and love from another giant chain store that isn’t vanishing from existence. Thank you, internet blog police, for noticing.

This pigeon was just bee-bopping around INSIDE the food court at...

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:27:49 -0800

This pigeon was just bee-bopping around INSIDE the food court at the 3rd Street Promenade. Its presence was so obvious, it was basically perusing the menu at Panda Express (I assume debating between orange chicken and General Tso chicken - never an easy choice) and pecking at people’s feet as they ate. And no one seemed to give a shit or take any notice. Gross City. Why do pigeons walk around like they own everything? And why do human beings, the larger of the two animals, let it happen?

Every little bit counts.

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 21:21:00 -0800

When I declined a bag for my to-go order today, the employee at Koo Koo Roo thanked me for “saving the Earth.” Then I left, with my PLASTIC take-out container full of FACTORY FARM RAISED chicken. It feels great to be green, y’all.

I just tried to go shopping for a new top. EVERYTHING on the...

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:19:27 -0800

I just tried to go shopping for a new top. EVERYTHING on the racks is either sheer or cropped. There are so many limitations to who can wear sheer and/or cropped. The above is an example of what I was seeing. I guess it’s very 2003 of me to just want a jersey-knit black number to go with some denim. Am I at that age where I just keep trying to wear what I wore in college because that’s what was in style then therefore, what I assume to still be cute now? Or is this the year we will all be forced to dress like Miley Cyrus in her rebel phase because nothing else is available? It’s all very frightening.

Remember when I updated this thing 5 days a week?

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:03:14 -0800

Me neither. I am the worst. I feel like I’m really letting down my 4 regular readers. If you must know, I do have an excuse. As part of my many attempts to somehow get ahead in the rat race that is “making it LA” (IE getting paid to create, not make coffee), I am now taking a sitcom writing class which is zapping a lot of my writing energy. So the blog is taking a back seat. You aren’t missing much with me - white people problems galore - losing my Christmas weight, redecorating my pad (I hung a picture) and traveling to exotic places like Dayton to perform my stand-up comedy routine. My roommate BFF from college came to visit and we ate a lot of sushi and made apple pie. We’re cute.

PS I’ve counted ZERO humming birds. It’s depressing.